I am writing this post from the truck, on the way to Ocala for Rocking Horse. I had a spark of curiosity when I remarked to my mom that the weekend felt perfectly routine, so far. Every evening before we leave for a competition is the exact same; clean my tack, pack the trailer and my clothes, and lay out an outfit for the next morning. Similarly, every show morning is the exact same; wake up hours before the sun rises, feed the horses, grab a cup of coffee, load up, and go. We plan our stops in a way that maximizes our efficiency. We top off our tank about two hours in at a Loves station with a McDonalds (a Chicken McGriddle is an essential part of this stop, as well!), then do the same at another truck stop a few hours after. We have made these exact same two stops every time we have ever taken the trailer to Ocala; which, is quite often, as my coach is based there. This routine is essential to lowering my stress levels before competitions. I have discovered that normality is the key to leveling both my anxiety and OCD. I have my very specific way to pack that ensures I do not need to be anxious about forgetting important items, and we have our very specific drive planned out that ensures I do not need to be anxious about being late. Of course, there are scenarios that sometimes cannot be helped, such as a timely flat tire or a dead-lame horse on a show morning. However, there is nothing better than a morning like this one, that feels perfectly normal. This does not even necessarily have to do with competitions, either. Every morning before school is the exact same for me, as well, which allows me to be in the ideal headspace to maximize my learning potential for the day. Now, as I am MODERATELY satisfied (in subtle reference to my last post regarding perfectionism) with this impulsive post, I will go about my usual activities for a long drive. AirPods in, Spotify on, and allow the excitement for the coming weekend to build mile-by-mile until we finally arrive at our destination. Routine is a beautiful thing, and has greatly helped in decreasing my anxiety.
As a side note - I want to thank Audrie Stanka, Zach Brandt, and Eventing Nation for everything. I am so overwhelmed at the response this blog has generated, and knowing I am not alone in my journey fills me with indescribable joy and confidence. Seeing my writings featured on EN is almost unbelievable; I have to refresh the page and pinch myself numerous times to ensure I am not dreaming. I cannot wait to see what the future holds.
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Along with anxiety, I am diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or better known as OCD. I truly do believe that some OCD tendencies have sharpened my skill set in the equestrian world, especially with horsemanship and grooming. I may be extremely hesitant to applaud myself about my riding abilities, but I am not afraid to advertise my beautiful sewn-in braids. However, with OCD comes perfectionism. Anyone who knows me personally knows that I am an EXTREME perfectionist, to put it lightly. I will obsess, and obsess, and obsess, until I get it right. "It", in this case, literally ranges from schooling a single jump, to an entire lesson, to an entire competition. "Right", in this case, only means perfect. Unfortunately for me, a perfectionist's standard of perfect is unattainable, because no amount of "right" is good enough. At this stage in the vicious cycle, my anxiety takes over. I convince myself that if I am not absolutely perfect, the consequences will be dire and someone will be unbearably disappointed in me. It is humorously dramatic, albeit. My hesitancy to ride last year, and admittedly sometimes now, does not derive from fear of falling off; it comes from fear of letting myself down. I set myself up for failure in that department, as every tiny mistake left me displeased. Over time, however, I have recognized how unfair this way of thinking is. Self-realization is the first step, and I have conquered that. I've began to remind myself that I need a break; whether that means taking a quiet hack on a day I was going to flat, or listening to uplifting music during my rides, or watching videos of myself riding well and mentally repeating the mantra "you look good". It is truly a work in progress, though. I have re-written this post several times before I was satisfied enough with it, ironically. Perfectionism is habit hard to shake.
Hi! I'm Erin Lassere. I am an Area III eventer. I have been diagnosed with an auto-immune disease called Ulcerative Colitis, as well as chronic anxiety. I have been toying with the notion of starting a blog, and I am so excited that I am finally in a place to take the plunge. I want to use this platform to document my experiences struggling with both a physical and mental condition, while, somewhat ironically, competing in a physically and mentally demanding sport. Today, I will give some background information on myself. When I was first diagnosed with UC in the fall of 2018, I was both shocked and a little scared. I, however, was not scared of the physical pain, doctor's visits, sick days, etc. that would come in the future; I was, naturally, scared of how I would continue to ride and compete. The next Spring season, my competition outings were quite sparse. I think I may have shown two or three times. Each of these times were relatively unsuccessful. I was, at the time, riding a green mare I lovingly named "Palladium", or Athena. She is a lovely horse, but required a consistent schedule. I, being as sick as I was, could not give that to her. I had always been an extremely confident rider, and was sure of my own abilities. However, I watched as my record became dotted with letters, my friends moved up the levels, and sure enough, my own confidence tanked. In the summer of 2019, I slowly began to recover from the worst of my UC symptoms, after a course of prednisone. The scars that UC left behind were not just physical; they were mental. I lost all confidence in my riding abilities. Even so much as walking out to the barn gave me extreme anxiety, and riding went from a refuge to something I wanted to escape. I pushed through because I was too hard on myself not to, but quitting was constantly in the back of my mind. Around this time, I began riding with my current coach, Zachary Brandt. Through his guidance, my riding abilities strengthened and I started to form a true partnership with Athena. My record began to show my efforts, and I competed in my first Training Level successfully (minus the jump I missed on Cross Country, of course). However, better results did not mean a better mental outlook. The saddle, and especially competitions, gave me anxiety to the point of throwing up most show mornings. A new year and a new horse later, I am still going strong. My anxiety is horrible, but it is manageable. I am learning to cope, and starting to truly enjoy the process. In this blog, I will document this process as I embark on my journey of loving riding and eventing again.
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AuthorErin Lassere Archives
March 2021
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