To start out, I am going to give you guys a disclaimer. I had a wisdom teeth removal surgery this morning. I am in pain and still very drugged, and have already had to use spell check three times. I probably will not remember this post in a couple hours, and this definitely will not be written in my somewhat overly-professional perfectionist writing style, but when inspiration strikes I like to take advantage of it.
Now that that little lack of positivism is completed, I would like to jump into an ironic topic for my current situation: positivity. My usual blog posts are written from a slightly more negative connotation, since the point of my posts is to share my journey with anxiety and Ulcerative Colitis to inspire others to push through the more difficult aspects of life, especially involving horses. However, this week, I want to highlight the importance of being positive and giving yourself a pat on the back when it is well-deserved. I discovered the impact this viewpoint has on mental health through my experience at Rocking Horse this past weekend. I rode well. I rode really, really well. That is hard for me to admit to myself, and even harder to admit to the world. But, I did. Of course, I have tons of room for improvement in every phase, but I worked really hard to be relaxed through every ride. My young gelding, Foxtrot Todd, went exceptionally well and felt like an old pro. I have never walked away from an event so confident in myself, my abilities, and riding in general, and certainly have never smiled so much throughout a cross-country course. I truly had a blast, and am looking forward to my next show in a week. This bit of self-gratification has a purpose. I could have looked at last weekend, analyzed all of my videos as per usual, and ripped myself apart with criticism. I could have thought to myself, "you should have ridden better", or "it is not perfect, so it is not good enough". However, I did not. I forced myself to smile at the thought of improvement, to hug my horse and smile, and to even spend $120 on an entire album of professional pictures that I intend to frame in my room in remembrance of such a great experience. As a result of my positivity, I have felt great this week. I have had both the energy and the drive to spend hours anxiety-free at the barn. I have never been so confident on the back of a horse, nor have I had less of a need for perfectionism. Yesterday, I hacked Todd bareback on a loose rein, and hopped off twenty minutes later with a huge smile on my face. I preach the importance of positive thinking on a regular basis, but have never truly experienced its impact like I have this week. I challenge everyone reading this blog to force themselves to pick one or two positive thoughts every time you are in the saddle, and truly focus on that thought. Make it a mantra, write it on a sticky note and attach it to your mirror, post it on Instagram. It sounds silly, but take it from someone who was an emotional wreck headed into the event last weekend: it helps. A lot. I have not just experienced this self-induced serotonin around horses this week, either. I felt the results of positive thinking with Toddy, so I challenged myself to bring this thought process to my day-to-day life. I have come back from school every day empowered. Instead of beating myself up for a 91 (yes, I know, I know) on my pre-cal test, I repeated the thought "good work, you tried your hardest" over, and over, and over again in my head until I actually believed it. In addition, I saw my doctor Tuesday, and he went over the results from my endoscopy and colonoscopy that I had a couple weeks ago. I have ulcers in my colon. Expected, but unwelcome. My relationship with Ulcerative Colitis is primarily negative; it is the source of large amounts of anxiety and, admittedly, shameful self-pity. However, I spoke with my doctor about a diet plan, and have followed it determinedly this week. Every time I have eaten, I told myself "this will make you feel better. You are almost on the way to feeling better". Guess what? No unbearable stomach pain this week. Thinking positively about the fact that I am making an effort to heal has legitimately made my day-to-day pain significantly more bearable. There is a light at the end of the tunnel in all aspects of life. In summary, the power of positivity is more than I could have ever imagined. Of course, this is one week out of my life, and fighting anxiety or just living our tough daily lives is difficult. It is not always sunshine and rainbows. But, when it is, take advantage of it. Remember these times for future reference, and force yourself to let overly-positive slightly-annoying thoughts take over your mind. Now that this is over with, I will probably go to sleep. See everyone in a few days when I am out of the depths of narcotics and ice cream.
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Absorbing as much knowledge as you can. Riding as many horses as you have access to. Experiencing the thrill of competition. Learning from the lows and becoming familiar with the drawing board. This never-ending cycle of equestrianism is one that we are fortunate to live through. However, fortune does not eliminate the days where I truly would rather do "normal people things" instead of ride my horse. Sometimes, when I put my foot in the stirrup and swing my leg over the saddle, I look forward to the conclusion of the ride so that I "can get back to my life". I watch my non-horsey friends plan week-long vacations that I cannot attend because it is the middle of eventing season, I decline Friday-night plans because I will be at a horse show, I struggle to keep my eyes open on a post-event Monday morning in first period. Sometimes, it is easy to find myself focusing on these points instead of the factors that contribute to my love of horses. This feeling is burnout.
I think that there is a stigma behind burnout. We are so incredibly lucky to be able to experience such an outstanding sport, surrounded by animals that we love more than we are even capable of loving. We spend thousands and thousands monthly to continue living this life. We sign the contract of giving up a "normal" life, and restructure our schedules to benefit our horses. We do all of this, so why complain? To the naked eye, burnout in the horse world is almost selfish; a "first-world problem" to the highest degree. However, burnout is real. It truly is. The life that we live, while exhilarating, is also exhausting. It is exhausting to put in hours and hours and hours of work on daily basis, and to usually feel that this work is not paying off. It is exhausting to sign the check for another horse show, when at the last one, you finished on a letter. It is exhausting to come back to the barn after a perfect dressage test that put you in the top five, then trot your horse out to find she has a hot nail (that was a bad day). We chose the world where sometimes, all you need is a break, but usually breaks are not readily accessible. I have been through a couple difficult periods of burnout, specifically last year. It is not something to be ashamed of; it is natural. However, shameless or not, it undoubtedly hurts to be tired of the thing that you are most passionate about. When I find myself circling the drain, I take a quiet hack in a field instead of a drilling flat ride. I listen to music in the barn. I absorb myself in my team. I allow myself to enjoy the little things, such as the shine of hooves after they are polished, or the sound of nickering as I enter the barn during breakfast time. I push myself to focus on the aspects of this world that made me fall in love with it in the first place, and make an effort to switch up my usual routine. It is okay to allow yourself to breathe. |
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AuthorErin Lassere Archives
March 2021
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