Along with anxiety, I am diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or better known as OCD. I truly do believe that some OCD tendencies have sharpened my skill set in the equestrian world, especially with horsemanship and grooming. I may be extremely hesitant to applaud myself about my riding abilities, but I am not afraid to advertise my beautiful sewn-in braids. However, with OCD comes perfectionism. Anyone who knows me personally knows that I am an EXTREME perfectionist, to put it lightly. I will obsess, and obsess, and obsess, until I get it right. "It", in this case, literally ranges from schooling a single jump, to an entire lesson, to an entire competition. "Right", in this case, only means perfect. Unfortunately for me, a perfectionist's standard of perfect is unattainable, because no amount of "right" is good enough. At this stage in the vicious cycle, my anxiety takes over. I convince myself that if I am not absolutely perfect, the consequences will be dire and someone will be unbearably disappointed in me. It is humorously dramatic, albeit. My hesitancy to ride last year, and admittedly sometimes now, does not derive from fear of falling off; it comes from fear of letting myself down. I set myself up for failure in that department, as every tiny mistake left me displeased. Over time, however, I have recognized how unfair this way of thinking is. Self-realization is the first step, and I have conquered that. I've began to remind myself that I need a break; whether that means taking a quiet hack on a day I was going to flat, or listening to uplifting music during my rides, or watching videos of myself riding well and mentally repeating the mantra "you look good". It is truly a work in progress, though. I have re-written this post several times before I was satisfied enough with it, ironically. Perfectionism is habit hard to shake.
5 Comments
Sierra fishell
1/24/2021 10:50:22 pm
Love this Erin!! I’m amazed at how well you carry on riding while dealing with your personal struggles! Definitely someone to look up to 🤩
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Skyler Norris
1/25/2021 06:43:42 am
You’re perfect to me my friend. HOW DO YOU WRITE SO WELL?
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Emma Breeden
1/25/2021 11:05:36 am
i seriously feel you and relate to this. for the past 6 months riding has felt more like a chore than a fun activity. i would leave the barn crying and would throw up before schoolings or shows. the combo of anxiety and ocd has led to me dropping my lease unexpectedly and moving barns without giving my past barn any warning. i have taken a month off and hopefully moving barns will help me have more of a drive to ride. thank you for writing this. i literally can’t tell you how much this helps me hearing that im not alone.
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Erin
1/25/2021 11:20:07 am
I promise you’re not alone. I took a break last fall, for a couple months. It was one of the best things I’ve done for myself, I hope that it helps you as well:)
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Jennifer
1/28/2021 11:04:15 pm
Very astute observations for a young woman! I'm older and relate to your challenges. I look forward to following your story. Best of luck
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AuthorErin Lassere Archives
March 2021
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