My self-destructive perfectionist tendencies played a large part in building my anxieties about riding and competing. However, I do not just worry about disappointing myself; I am worried about disappointing others. I remember a certain round at a schooling jumper show at Sweet Dixie South, where I was a working student this summer. At this point, I was probably at the lowest level of confidence that I ever have been at riding-wise. The round was not necessarily bad; maybe I missed at a jump or two, maybe I had a rail or a run-out. I don't remember the specifics. What I do remember, however, is holding back tears as I was walking to the barn. I remember letting the tears out as I hosed off my mare, and I remember truly worrying about what "others" were thinking. I am not talking about the people whose opinions really matter to me, like my coach; I am talking about the random strangers in the warm-up and on the sidelines.
What if they all think I am a bad rider? What if they think I am not good enough for my horse? What if they think I should not be riding at the level I am? I drove myself crazy thinking about what possibly could be going through the minds of these random strangers. I remember opening up about these worries, and received the best advice I have received to this day: What makes you think that you are special enough for everyone to truly care about what you are doing? This may seem harsh, but it is true. I recognized the amount of truth to this advice when I turned it back upon myself. I was too wrapped up in my own struggles to care about anyone else's round. I was internalizing my own rail, not judging the other riders who had rails down. I realized that those people in the warm-up were not busy scrutinizing my every move; they were focusing on (shocking, I know) warming up their horses. Of course, there are people who will be negative, and who will judge you. Unless this person is in position of importance to you, like a coach, their opinion does not matter. Why would you care about what a random stranger thinks of you? They do not know your whole story, nor do they deserve to. This realization was imperative to taking the next step in minimizing my anxiety about riding and competing. Especially in this sport, we are all just trying to "make it". We all have our own unique goals and struggles. We all are working to overcome these struggles to reach our goals, so that we can overcome harder struggles for bigger goals. It is a revolutionary idea: the less energy you spend worrying about what everyone else thinks, the more energy you have in focusing on yourself. It is freeing.
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AuthorErin Lassere Archives
March 2021
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